The Eighth Ex
by Boomer Gonzales
Summary: ONE-SHOT; One of Ramona's Exes refuses Gideon's invitation and pays a steep price. Rated T for language and violence.


**The Eighth Ex**

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own the rights; property, intellectual, financial, distribution, etc., to **_**the Scott Pilgrim **_**media****. All rights therein are the possession of Brian Lee O' Malley, Oni Press, and Universal Pictures. The above mentioned intellectual property is being used without permission.**

* * *

_Binghampton, New York; USA_

A dark-haired young man runs for his life through Downtown Binghampton grasping something close to his chest. Running down the street, he eyes exactly what he is after; the bright star marking the it's special use prompting him to break out in a sprint. Even as he focuses intently on the mailbox, his mind wanders to the words scribed in the note he holds.

* * *

_ Dear Ramona,_

_ I was a dick, I admit it, and I'm sorry. Leaving me was probably the best thing you did for yourself...and for me. You broke my heart in ways I couldn't understand, but looking back at it now, I deserved it. I should have respected you for who you were and for the great person that you are. In a way you taught me to be the person that I am now, and I thank you for that. By losing you, I took a real long and hard look at myself. To be honest, I didn't like it. I started to change in an attempt to eventually win you back, but later I thought it better to just leave you alone as I heard you were dating thee Gideon Graves. Thanks to the changes I made, I met my wife and have had two beautiful girls with her. Twins, can you believe it? What's worse, she named them Ramona and Victoria. Not my idea; I swear, but maybe it's a way of keeping a part of you with me._

_ I really should've come to New York to at least see you. If I knew what he would do to you, I would've come sooner. Before everything got as bad as I heard it did. Not too long ago, Gideon posted something weird on Craigslist. I can't remember exactly what it said because I only skimmed it, but it was about you. I said something smart-ass like 'Sucks to be him' or whatever and left it at that, but it was stupid of me. He found me Ramona. Gideon's forming some sort of League made up of your exes. I think he's targeting the really bad ones you told me about. From what I know he's got a few of them lined up already. There's something wrong with him Ramona. That guy creeps the living shit out of me. For some reason, ever since I so much as thought about writing this I can't get him out of my head. It's like I see him everywhere. I nearly attacked my wife even._

_ I don't know where you are, so I can only pray that this will find you in subspace. I'm taking a risk with even writing this, but you deserve to know and I couldn't look at my girls knowing that I didn't do everything I could to warn you. Take care and good luck._

_Doug_

* * *

Suddenly, the young man was thrown back away from the Subspace Mail Box. Taking a deep breath, the burning sensation in his chest prompts him from doing so again. Widening his eyes, Doug looks to the parcel he carried and found it to be a bit wrinkled, but largely undamaged. Stuffing the letter inside his coat pocket once more, Doug kicks up into a fighting stance. Just as he predicted, his assailant speeds past him once more and then again. Turning around at the last minute, he strikes his attacker with a well placed palm strike.

As the assailant slides along the cold, wet pavement; Doug gets his first look at the one assaulting him. To his surprise, it's a young girl, close to him in age maybe; and dressed fairly loosely with short blond pigtails sticking out of her head. If not for the black getup and dark eye-shadow, she might be cute. As for the present, she was just annoying.

"Fuck off," Doug said as he turned toward the mailbox. "I have business to take care of."

"Your business," the young woman said, "_is_ my business...Doug Norman."

Stopping in his tracks, Doug looked back at the girl as he steeled his blue eyes upon her.

"Since you seem to know who I am," Doug began, "will you at least grant me the courtesy of telling me who _you_ are?"

"The name's Roxie Richter; and you've just made the worst mistake of your life."

A moment later, Doug turned around and blocked another attack from Roxie.

"Not bad," Roxie smirked, "but you ain't going to beat a half-ninja with your dollar store karate moves."

In a hair's breath, Roxie disappeared into a plume of smoke.

"It's not karate little girl," Doug said as he swept his leg around before thrusting it skyward connecting with Roxie's forehead. "It's Shaolin."

Flying upward into the air, Roxie eventually comes crashing down onto a newspaper stand, destroying it in the process. A minute later, Roxie emerges from the rubble wielding her favorite katana. Stepping forward; Roxie attempts to take up a stance, but then breathes heavily as she falls to one knee. Flashing slowly, a look of panic appears across Roxie's face as she knows that she is at a critical state. With just one blow, Doug Norman nearly defeated Roxie Richter.

"I'll finish you off in a minute," Doug said as he once more moved toward the Subspace Mailbox. "If you are who I think you are, this letter can't wait any longer."

Pulling open the slot, Doug finally pulls the letter out of his coat pocket and moves to drop the letter in the slot. With a smile, Doug lets go of the letter just before the mailbox became an inferno. Quickly leaping away, Doug readies a stance only to cringe at the pain erupting from his hand. Holding it up reveals to him that his hand is thoroughly scorched, but the pain coursing through Doug's arm is little compared to that of the pain in his chest as the unknown fate of the letter he crafted for Ramona hangs in his mind.

"You're pretty good at handling yourself against little girls," Matthew Patel said as he floated above the Mailbox.

"Hey!" Roxie said in anger. "You're not so tall yourself Hadji!"

"Will you stop calling me that!"

On his feet once more, Doug readied himself to do battle with the new combatant as well. Then suddenly, Doug found himself on his knees; a tingling sensation lingering along the back of his neck. Looking up, he found a certain action star looking down upon him, a custom skateboard under foot.

"It looks like we're a bit tardy for the party," Lucas Lee said just before he ollied into the air and came crashing down. Moving deftly, Doug narrowly avoided Lucas' punishing blow, the Focus Smash.

"I prefer the term fashionably late," said an unseen Todd Ingram. A moment later, the Mailbox had risen into the air and crumpled before being torn asunder. Walking through the wreckage of the Subspace Mailbox, Todd made himself known.

Suddenly appearing behind him, Doug hears a new voice.

"Let us see if..." said Kyle Katayanagi.

"...he knows his manners," finished Ken Katayanagi.

On his feet once more, Doug leaps into the air and attacks the Katayanagi twins. Seeing them as the immediate threat, he attacks them while attempting to guard his injured hand. However the Katayanagi twins are veterans in this sort of game and easily outmaneuver their impaired opponent. After a mad minute of melee, Doug has only managed to rip a sizable piece off of Ken's shirt. Taking the scrap of cloth, Doug wraps it around his injured hand and reaches into his back pocket to pull out his weapon of choice; the Staff of Destiny.

"Gideon never mentioned..." Ken began as he took a step back.

"...An ultimate weapon," Ken finished following his brother.

"Well you might as well call that poser from on high," Doug said as he armed himself in a stance, " because I'm about to send you scab's to the hereafter!"

Doug executed a backflip to dodge Matthew's latest attack, batting away a traffic sign sent his way courtesy of Todd. The next moment Doug used every skill available to him fending off the onslaught that Gideon Graves had sent to him. Watching from atop a warehouse building, Gideon Graves smirked at Doug's current plight.

Fighting with the strength and spirit of the great Shaolin masters of the past, Doug held his own for a time bringing both Matthew Patel and Ken Katayanagi's to critical; effectively taking them out of the brawl. However, eventually the burden of fighting multiple enemies at once proved to wear him down. His strikes and thrusts came stronger, but much slower and his defense became awkward. Eventually the remaining combatants formed a strategy that involved using Todd's psychic- vegan powers to force Doug into the waiting feet and fists of Kyle Katayanagi and Lucas Lee.

Using his skateboard, Lucas caught Doug unaware as the skateboard landed in the back of Doug's ankles. Stunned, Todd took the opportunity to finally grasp Doug in a psychic choke hold. Now immobilized, Lucas and Kyle pummelled Doug until the strength in his body left him; the Staff of Destiny falling out of his hand, clattering on the pavement below.

Suddenly, a shrill whistle pierced the night air prompting Lucas, Kyle, and Todd to stop short of finishing Doug. Landing with a thud onto the cold pavement, Doug almost felt welcomed compared to the merciless hell he had barely endured.

"Douglas-Douglas-Douglas," Gideon said as he gingerly walked toward Doug as he struggled to rise. "That was a very hurtful comment you sent me those weeks ago. What was it again?"

"Eat shit and die," Doug managed as he coughed crimson through his broken teeth.

"Well, that is ever more hurtful; Douglas," Gideon said as he kicked up the Staff of Destiny into his waiting hand. "What's the matter Doug? The car, the house, the money; was it not enough for you?"

"Wait," Lucas said looking sternly at Gideon. "You offered him money...and gifts?"

A quick snap of his fingers followed by the pointing of a finger was all Gideon needed to hush Lucas.

"She deserves a chance; Gideon," Doug said once more as he finally rose to his hands and knees.

"Pardon?" Gideon said as his attention was turned once more to Doug.

"Happiness," Doug said looking up at Gideon. "Sh...she deserves a chance to find it for herself."

"You see," Gideon said as he deftly spun the staff as if playing with a child's toy, "this is the problem that having children brings. They make you think with things other than your mind. In other words, they make you soft. What possible happiness can Ramona possibly achieve if it is not with me? She'll understand, just like all of the others."

"...Others? So...so it's true. You're...not human."

"Says the bruised, beaten, and bloody pile on his knees. You should've joined the League; Doug. Or at least minded your own and left Ramona to me. Now, I'm afraid that I must honor your decisions with a judgement of my own. Might you have any last words?"

"Your so much of a pussy that you couldn't take me on alone. Ramona's eventually going to meet someone who has learned what I now know and their going to kick your..."

Doug was cut off as Gideon brought the Staff of Destiny crashing down upon Doug. A flash erupted blinding everyone in the immediate vicinity. Soon after two bright lights rose into the sky and sped off into the night sky eventually landing in the crib holding Doug's twin baby girls. The following day, their mother would wake to find that the brown eyes they were born with would change to hue of their father.

"Well what do you know," Gideon said. "I never would've guessed he had an experience transfer on him."

A moment later, as Gideon attempted to bask in his victory, he was distracted by the rising argument between his minions as to who was to ultimately receive credit for Doug's demise.

"Silence!" Gideon yelled into the crowd, in a moment they all fell quiet as the focused on Gideon. "This was a team effort therefore the credit belongs equally with all of you. However, if petty credit is that important to you lot, then I suppose that the next adversary and each adversary from here on will be handled one-by one in the order of _my_ choosing. Does that sound fair to everyone?"

Reluctantly, they all agreed

"Excellent," Gideon stated as he walked down the dark road. "Now, come; we have a victory to celebrate and I have a new treasure to add to my collection."

* * *

_-The next morning-_

Sitting at her newly acquired table, Ramona Victoria Flowers drank her morning Earl Grey tea as she tried to push thoughts of New York City and what she left behind out of her mind. Suddenly, a little voice sounded in her head to the annoying tune of, 'You Got Mail!'.

"Ugh," Ramona sighed, "stupid mail tone, I really need to change that."

Walking to her bag hanging against the wall, Ramona reached in to find a thoroughly singed letter waiting for her.

"The hell?" Ramona muttered as she looked the letter over.

The return address was nearly burnt off. In curiosity, Ramona opened it and read the fragmented remains of the letter.

* * *

..._Ramona,_

_ …..sorry. Leaving me…..best thing you did for...and for me...broke my heart...looking back …..great person...taught me...losing you...took a real long...like it...to...win you back...but better...leave...Gideon Graves. Thanks...met my... two beautiful girls...Twins...named...Ramona …..Victoria...swear...keeping...me._

_ …..come to New York...see you...knew...do to you...sooner...everything got...I...did. …..posted something...Craigslist...remember exactly...said...I only...it...about you...smart-ass ….. 'Sucks to be him' …..whatever…..left... that...stupid...Ramona. Gideon's...League made of your exes. …..targeting ….. bad ones …... got a few of them lined up...something wrong with …..Ramona...creeps …..shit... me... reason...since I ….. writing this …...out of my head. …..see …. everywhere. I …... attacked ….. even._

_ ….. know where you are...I can only... find …... subspace... taking...writing ….. you deserve …. know …..I …...my girls ….. do everything I …..care …. good luck._

Doug

* * *

"What a dick," Ramona said crumpling the remains of the letter before throwing the letter away. A moment later, Ramona's cell rang. Answering it, Ramona found her new boss speaking to her on the other end.

"...Yeah," Ramona said into her cell. "...Sure, I can start early. ...Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can."

Stopping the call Ramona hastily wrote a scathing letter to Doug and dropped it in a Subspace Mailbox on her way in to work. With no one to receive the letter, it drifted along the halls of Subspace...forever.

**END**


End file.
